Happy New Year, everyone! Let’s take our joy seriously!
Soon 2014 will be a memory. Most of it already is. And for the month of January, the gyms will be crowded with people who are all pretty sure they’re going to get fit this year; thankfully most of them will be out of your way by February and it’ll be business as usual.
For the rest of us, who take our happiness seriously, it’s a time to approach life for a checkup. So grab a glass of wine and spend the next few minutes with me as I humbly offer something that might clarify things for you.
By now you know I’ve been a self help student for decades. Self help, as you know if you’ve read my blog much, is something I both enjoyed and resented through the years. I enjoyed it because it gave me hope that things would get better during dark and impoverished times, but I also resented it because in retrospect I feel strongly that really, hope is the only thing it gave me. I didn’t realize that all I had to do was ask myself The Right Question.
It wasn’t all bad, though. Every single book offered me at least something I could use. And in the middle of all the rah-rah coaches there are quite a few thoughtfully-written and useful books. I’d like to share a couple of ideas I learned from what I consider to be the best and most comprehensive one about goalsetting, All About Goals & How to Achieve Them by Jack Ensign Addington.
I’ve included a couple of pictures of pages I found particularly relevant, one with my notes on it. My whole self help library is like this, dog-eared and worn books with my notes and underlining.
Is setting New Years’ Resolutions a waste of time?
I don’t advocate spending a lot of time on goalsetting. Don’t confuse setting goals with “sharpening the axe” or practicing. I mean sitting down and thinking about what the next phase of your life is going to be like. I don’t advocate it simply because if you already know who you are, you’ll be automatically moving toward things that motivate and delight you anyway. When it comes to making a New Years resolution, let me remind you that talk is cheap. Anyone can tell you they’re going to accomplish this or that this coming year. So here’s what I’d rather do:
At the end of the year, tell people what your resolutions were. Don’t bother telling them what you’re going to do, tell them what you did that you had resolved to do.
I’m a huge fan of what the French call a fait accompli, basically a short way of saying what’s done is done, and it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
I’m not saying that setting goals is irrelevant. I do it myself. In fact, the last phrase in the Question is designed partly to get you thinking about your goal, whether in a specific situation or in an overarching life design session. What I am saying is that you end up achieving things you never even knew should have been a goal in the first place as long as you’re aligned properly with who you are and what you feel is best for you in life. I’m saying, spend enough time on it and move on.
From Addington, to me, to you
I made my book available with one caveat – that readers never divulge what the Question is. I think if they pay me good money for the book, they have the right to have that investment protected (and so should I). But I freely share thoughts in the book that aren’t the Question itself, and here’s one of them: “In order to live the life of your dreams, you must become the person who could have that life.”
In part, that was inspired by the passage in Addington’s book, and the phrase that helped me form that idea is here. He says, “…when we identify with our goal and mentally live in the atmosphere of the attained goal, we are well on the way of achieving that goal.”
What he’s saying is that if you live your life as though you’re the person in that reality, already having attained that goal, it’s much more likely to be realized. When you slide behind the wheel of your dream car you’ll drive it like it’s yours, not like you’re borrowing it from a nasty ogre. When you take the vacation you’ve been working so hard for, you’ll give it your all and therefore get the most from it. The most relaxation, and also the most fun. You’ll probably meet the most interesting people too.
I also discuss this phenomenon in The Lottery Winners (see Succeed at Anything), but basically, it comes down to this – lottery winners end up bankrupt and hospitalized for stress and depression more often than those who don’t win. And that’s because the way the rich handle money versus the poor is very, very different. Winning a lottery doesn’t make you rich, it only gives you a lot of money. In the sense I mean it here, there’s a big difference.
The Secret Referent
The second phrase seems unrelated, but I think a lot of people need help with it. It refers to what Addington calls the “secret referent”.
The secret referent is the person whose permission you feel you need before you really start living your life the way you want to. We consider people brave when they act in the face of criticism from their referent. Think of Romeo and Juliet, the unfortunate offspring of Shakespeare-era Hatfields and McCoys, from families sworn to destroy each other and therefore incurring wrath not only from their own families for fraternizing with the enemy but from their beloved’s families as well.
The passage I underlined reads, “Many emotionally immature people never get past the secret referent stage.” He asks, “Are we choosing (goals) for ourselves or to please someone else?”, and I made a note underneath that which reads, “OR steering away from a treasured goal because its completion will not please the referent?”
It should be obvious what is meant by this, but I’ll state it in a different way. If you really want a goal, you need to be sure that this goal has been chosen for your own benefit and not for the benefit of others. These are questions such as, Are you taking over the family business because you want to, or because you feel it’s expected of you, or conversely, Are you blazing your own trail because you secretly want to take over the family business but you feel that this way you earn more respect? Either way it’s all about the referent, not the goalsetter (you).
It’s also just as unlikely that any of the traditional self help methods are going to get you closer to what you truly want if you allow the disapproval of your referent to steer you away from a treasured goal.
However, I must caution you against Damage to Desire or a misunderstanding of the Law of Attraction. What I mean is that many times our dreams come true and we don’t even know it because we don’t understand that there’s always something changed in translation between our desires and our reality.
Make sure you understand this. I explain it fully in The Right Question.
Goodbye 2014, and thanks for everything
As we say goodbye to 2014 and open our arms to welcome the New Year, it’s a good time to think about the course we chose to steer this year. To use the lawnmowing analogy in TRQ, we all hit some rocks buried in the tall grass along the way. Some of them dented and dulled our blades; we needed to stop for a while, sharpen them, take a break and steel ourselves before pushing on.
But mowing the lawn is what gets the lawn mowed. Not wanting it, not trying to figure out “why”, not setting it as a goal, not sitting on a mat wishing for it to get mowed. Only cutting the grass stimulates it to grow more lush, rich, green and healthy. Anything else qualifies as glorified wishing.
In the same way, self help made me feel great about the fact that my lawn was overgrown and full of weeds, but it shouldn’t have. There should have been somebody writing The Right Question long before I did.
But better late than never.